I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
