I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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