Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
