Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
