True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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