I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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