can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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