I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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