I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
