woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
