Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
