I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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