Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
