got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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