Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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