I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
