wakey wakey hands off snakey
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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