it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
