Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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