he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
