we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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