did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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