he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
