God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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