Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my shit smells like andre
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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