I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊