Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
