Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize