One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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