Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
