I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
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And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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