just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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