She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
