Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
