I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
only if we run a train.
done.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
