Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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