never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
