mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
