get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
