Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
