Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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