Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
