my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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