he thought i was a dude.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When are your genitals available?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
