i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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