Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
