What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
