listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
