Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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