Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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