It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
