You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
