even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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